My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Randomize