My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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