I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
