the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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