those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
