Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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