I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
