dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
