Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
as a side note pls kill me
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
