either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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