first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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