My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
