You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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