So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
