"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
