so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
