The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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