My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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