After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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