Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
