I don't think brook has ever known best
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
