you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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