just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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