I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
