Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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