My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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