I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
