she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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