nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My cat gives me a boner
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
