I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
