well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize