why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
