i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
