I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
