So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
