i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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