Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
