I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
