I'm pants shitting drunk right now
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
