i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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