Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Randomize
