You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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