Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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