I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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