so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
