fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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