Your face is a jimmy john
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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