Dignity is for republicans.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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