I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
