he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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