alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
