He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Help. Why am I so naked?
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