Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
this will be a night to untag.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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