My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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