I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
