oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
