Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
