Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
