You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
