My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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