it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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