walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
