Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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