All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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